The Humanity of the Admin

[Administrator]

August 18, 2012

Sometimes I feel less than human.

There are times where I want to throw away my life. Just....pretend I never existed. It would be easier on everyone else - after all, "all emos must die" and it's useless to mope around, whining and crying about my problems.

I can't really open my mouth. Half of the time, I can't even journal my experiences. I get the pen and the paper - check. Then the words won't come out.

What am I upset about? My family's ok. Sometimes I worry that He's going to wind up killing my mom. Sometimes I worry that the violence won't end "innocently". I convince myself that I won't end up like that.

You know what, though? Crazy as it seems..

I'd rather...

You're gunna laugh.

But I'd rather a guy that beats up on my than a guy that cheats. I mean, I'd rather neither. But honestly - anyone can say something, and it's unfair to have them "watched", "stalked", or what have you to make sure it's true. It's unfair to text them - call them - bother them every waking hour. I put trust there, because I want trust returned.

Why then...

Do I sit and do nothing - the good little wife.

Do and spin inside of my head.

And the games roll on. Sure, I make them relive it - if you cross me, you can step out of my life or relive every moment. That's precisely why I don't cross people or I don't keep them in my life. Every waking moment. Until they are nothing but a puddle of apologies.

Does that make me evil?

I think not - why, then, are there MY voices answering for me?

Well, in honesty I can't help but to reflect on the past. And in that, I can't HELP but to remind HIM. I do nothing all day. I'd LOVE to cheat at this point - rub his filthy nose in it until he can't wash the stench off from inside of his nostrils and he lungs! I'd love to make him stink with the knowledge that I can be the filthy human he is.

But...

I'm better than that? I fear man - he's an exception, one of the absolute few that I've ran into. -__- But still, that's not enough.

Still though? Beyond that?

He's...nothing to him, actually, I just don't want to. Even if I flirted a little with a guy, I feel as though I'm cheating - even when we weren't together. Weren't a couple. Weren't "as one". I don't know why I'M affected like that - I push myself far away from anything that I could rationalize as cheating.

In part, I feel as though even if someone else is pushing when I decline - a friend of his long ago - I'm the one in the wrong and he already knows ~magically~ the moment words are spoken. So of course, I bar myself away, make sure nothing happens at all, stay safe, and tell him every little thing that happens in my daily life.

Daddy trained me to do that. It already comes innocently packaged in. No need to prod - it'll all come pouring out. Only to the one I'm attached to for the moment - and that moment usually lasts until the person leaves me.

Hide behind them. Try to stick to them. Escape from them only when I feel they need the space. Remember not to argue with them - defend them from even my family and my friends.

But still. Help them. Mold them. Build them up from the ground to be stronger than where they started at - what they were. Be their ultimately guide, their ultimate support, their ultimate friend.

It's kind of what everyone wants, right?

Bitch myself out in secret, alone, when I reject perfection for them and when I think I've been too much of a bitch. Teach myself to be more humble - I've always got to be "more humble".

Start all over again.

Build myself up, make myself more understanding, more caring, just plain out better. Make my jokes better, my depth of gratitude better, my charitable cases better.

For example - give free gifts to members on a site I join. Let friends that are close enough - and my lover above all else - borrow whatever they need. Fork over basically all the cash I have to HIM if I feel he need it or he could use it. Make sure I'm there for him.

Just blah.

End of thoughts. I'm weird.

[Administrator]

August 31, 2012

I hate myself.

Blue October speaks when I can't bring myself to speak on my own. I feel like crying - every single day. My happiest days are the days when I can actually see him. I'm tired of being so stranded from him - my chain link basically missing and emptied. It's afforded me time to think. I used to do things to ignore the facts that were glaring, in front of my face. Isn't is easier to forget things, if you allow yourself to erase them like they don't even exist? I'm keep smiling, but I'm not alright. And I keep gulling myself into pretending - and succeeding extremely well at it - that I'm alright. I don't want to weigh anyone down or to worry them, though. I would only be a bother - who wants to be a bother?

My friend confided in me that he wanted to die and I doubted his commitment so I made a concoction for myself. I didn't drink it, I wanted to see if he would "jump the train" like a true suicidalist, where I would have to stop him - and if he would prove to be thankful for the release of his life. Nope, nu-uh, no way. I'm glad though, or I would have had to get him some serious help. Instead, he feared the concoction was a bomb ready to explode any moment, and he was afraid of the reactivity of the substances I was mixing together. Of course, I hid the fact to him that I've mixed them all together before - Uhm, that would be admitting too much. And I kept in check that he was still attached to his life at least a little bit. It made me feel better, even if it made me look like the fool.

Why is it that I was saddened at the thought that I couldn't drink my potion? Why is it that I actually longed after each item I placed on my table for myself, even though I knew that nothing was going to happen? Why did I need the extra shove; why did I instantly feel like it was what I've been waiting for all of my life? Why does it bother me to think the way I do?

Why am I bothering even no one at all with all of this?

Oh yeah, and in case someone out there relates to this garbage, actually does want help, and hasn't yet figured out how to achieve it, dail 1-800-Suicide. 1-800-784-2433. Thank you and good night.

And no, they won't steal you away to lock you up, forever and ever. And they won't belittle you and mock you. They will talk you through a bad situation, or get you professional help that you can confide in one-on-one, if you really want the help.

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